Secrets.

My family apparently has a lot of secrets. I mean, I guess I always knew that, even when I was a kid. It's something you can just tell, or feel. The first big secret that I found out was about my Dad's younger sister. She was two years younger than my Dad and her name was AeKyung. Apparently, my Grandmother gave my aunt to my Grandfather and his wife to take care of. At the time, I thought his wife meant his second wife, as in, my Grandmother came first (but that's another secret I'll get to in a second). Anyway. This wife, being the bitch that she was, abandoned my aunt at some train station and no one ever saw her again. I hope to find her one day. I know it's a pretty far fetched idea, but it'd be really nice if I could.

Second secret would be the reason why my parents divorced and my mother ran away for a few years. When I was younger, I had been told that it was because my mother wanted to get away from my grandmother, but then I learned it was just because of my dad. Apparently when they were in Korea, my dad lent some money to my mom's older sister when they were in need, but when my dad was in need, they didn't give any money back. So it just kind of escalated and my mom couldn't take sides, so their marriage just sort of fell a part and when my mom asked for a divorce, my dad agreed but said that she wouldn't be able to see my brother or myself until we were eighteen. Of course, that didn't really happen, since she contacted us before and a year or so after my dad apologized and went to find our mother (because he didn't know we were already communicating with her. I guess that's another family secret I came up with).

Right. And now the third secret I found out about is apparently that both of my grandmothers are the second woman in the lives of my grandfathers. They both had wives previously before meeting my grandmothers and having an 'affair' with them. I say 'affair' because back then, there really wasn't solid things like marriages, so it's all very loose. In any case, on my mother's side of the family, my grandfather simultaneously held relationships with his first wife and my grandmother. In fact, they all lived in the same house at one point and apparently, they all still meet from time to time. Not my grandfather of course, he's dead, but apparently all his children still get along. So apparently I have 1 aunt and 3 uncles (and their spouses) that I never knew about. Of course, the same can't be said about my dad's side. Like I said before, my grandfather's wife abandoned by aunt, so it can clearly by seen that she never got over the jealousy of her husband's affair. In my grandmother's defense, she didn't know he was married at the time. I'm not sure how many older siblings my dad has, or what exactly went down within his family, but I think I'll ask him one day.

I'm not one of those people who's floored by the secrets or hurt that I was never told about them. I'm actually rather amused and kind of glad. When I was younger, I had always hoped for a bigger family. I always wanted more aunts and uncles, more cousins, etc. And now I find that I actually do. Granted, I doubt I'll ever get to meet them, but it's nice to know that they're there. Plus, this is all rather good material for a book or whatnot, right?

Human Error.

Do you ever feel like you belonged somewhere else? I'm not talking about the whiny stuff people say in high school and such about not fitting in. I'm talking about how you feel as if you would have belonged better in a different era or country.

I believe in a thing called fate. I don't have a view on religion, so I don't believe in "God's work" or whatever it's called, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. But I also believe in a little concept known as human error which screws up what fate should have done. I believe in souls and the idea of reincarnation. I think people who feel like they were born in the wrong time period feel that way because they are so attached to a previous life. Like myself. I feel more comfortable thinking of myself living in the late 18th century. In England, to be precise. And yes, I wholeheartedly believe that I was probably there in a past life.

In this life, I'm not sure what to think. I would like to say that my birth was a bit of a mistake, but I honestly don't think it is. Had my life not turned out the way it has, I never would have met Olivia. She is, most undoubtedly, the one person in the entire world who somehow understands me. We're best friends. We're soul sisters and I want to believe that had I been born in a different fashion, fate would have still brought us together, but I'm not sure. In my current life, I went through so much shit to meet her. I moved countries. I lost my parents. I dealt with switching between three high schools. But I wouldn't give any of it up if it meant not being able to meet her.

So maybe fate understands human error. Maybe when people screw up their lives, fate does everything it can to bring us back on course. I'm not saying it always succeeds, but I think it tries its best.

Change.

Today I found myself doubting my choices. My choice to double major in Communication Design and Literary Studies. The Design part I don't doubt. I don't think I could ever doubt. It's as if design has been permanently ingrained into every fiber of my being. It's the writing part that gets me. I'm confident about design and my abilities but I can't say the same about my written works. I don't know what direction I'm heading with that. I know when I was younger I always dreamed of being a writer. I wanted to create great novels like Tolkein or Austen. Writing that lived through decades, even centuries, but maybe I'm just a reader. Maybe I'm just a person who likes to pick up these sort of novels. And maybe I'm just an imaginary. I only like to imagine these great works I could write because I do. I have all these ideas for novels, but I can't ever seem to sit down and piece my ideas together into proper sentences or paragraphs. Plus, the way I think about these stories end up coming up in a film-like state. So then I thought, maybe I should go into screenwriting. But if I do, that still doesn't mean I get to direct my scenes the way I want them to. So then is being a director what I want?

At The New School, they expect you to choose your major before your second year. At the age where most of its students are 18 or 19. We're at the cusp of our youth. How do they expect us to know what we want to do or to be in ten years from now? Dreams change. People change. Our desires and situations change.

Right now I wish I was still that child who drew crude drawings of Sailor Moon on manila paper with big dreams of being the best artist and writer.

When did that change?